Today, I had
scans done to my brain to track the progress of the radiation and much to my disappointment;
they appeared to me as no change. The doctor said they were indeed shrinking,
just at a very slow rate, much slower than we had hoped for. I started to cry,
and fear and discouragement filled my body. Then I started to ask questions in
my head. If there is no change now, will there ever be? Did I go through the last
year with radiation and all that fatigue, stress and hair loss for nothing? If
the tumors don’t shrink will I ever get my hearing back? Will they really
continue to shrink over the next 18 months or is this it? Why are they not
shrinking faster, am I doing something wrong? Why are you doing this God?
I was
distraught, then I talked to a friend and they reassured me that it was not all
for nothing. My walk in the Lord has grown so much in the last year and the
friendships with several people have deepened as well. And the scans did not
show they were not shrinking at all, just very slowly. That means that they are
shrinking, just not at the rate I WANT, but maybe it is the rate God wants. If
I don’t get my hearing back, then I can still praise God, after all losing my
hearing has brought me closer to God. I knew all this I was just clouded with emotions;
I needed someone to help remind me of what I say to myself and others in times like
this. No matter
what happens in this life, I still have hope in God and this hope will never
let me down.
Disappointment comes from lost hope, unfulfilled desires and
expectations. I was hoping that the scans would show more improvement and when
they didn’t it was not what my desire was and so I became sad and upset. I lost
sight of the fact that God is directing my life. Two of my favorite verses are
Jeremiah 29:11 (“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans
to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”) and
Proverbs 3:5-6 (Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.)
God knows
the bigger picture and He is in control, which is why I can always put my hope
in Him. I have hope that He will provide what I need to sustain me through happiness
and trials. I have hope that He will always
have my best interest in mind even when I can’t see it. I have hope that He
will never leave me or let me down. I have hope that He has saved me and that I
will live with him forever in Heaven. I have hope in Christ!
If I look back, God has used every trial and disappointment in
my life as a way to reach me and bring me closer to Him. I just need to have
faith and put my trust and hope in Him. If we let them, our disappointments can be God’s appointment!
Dear
Heavenly Father, thank You that You are the God of hope. I know You love me so
much and that this disappointment I feel at times is really Your way of
protecting me, providing something better, or just part of the process of
growing me more like You. So
I praise You for the good that is wrapped in this disappointment and that my
eyes remain opened to see that good in the midst of trials. Let me allow You to
work in my life the way You desire Lord, not what I want. I pray that You please
strengthen my faith and fill me with the hope that can only be found in You. I
praise and thank You Lord. In Your precious name, Amen.
Never heard this song, but it fits quite nicely
And I couldn't forget the classic hymn that says it so wonderfully as well
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